Self Discovery

I think that each day is an opportunity for self discovery, however small or grand that discovery may be. About oneself, and about others in our lives.

Self discovery was the main reason I returned to London, and Amsterdam most recently. I mostly travel for the sake of business, but also, most importantly, to discover. I look at everyone in the world as my own personal sage. Whether it is a person on the train, plane, a beggar, a friend, a lover, and all sentient beings. Everyone and everything has something to offer, and is put on this planet to teach. If we only could listen better--that is the challenge.

Of all the virtues in the world I value most in myself and others, are patience, an open mind, an open, kind, compassionate heart, forgiveness, and finally, acceptance, which leads to the ultimate virtue, unconditional love. Of all these virtues, forgiveness is one that I find to be the opposite of acceptance. To forgive, the premise is that someone has "wronged you", or violated you in some way. I would far rather accept someone for what he is than to forgive him for what I perceive is a wrongdoing against me. The way I see it, let people "be" and things "be" as they are. One cannot be violated if you allow it to just "be". I find I must learn to understand and not judge another's actions as a personal attack against me.

When I was living in Den Haag, Netherlands, with Saskia, I lived the lifestyle of a hardcore bodybuilder. We ate, slept, and trained bodybuilding. We did not go anywhere, so it would not disrupt our training or eating schedule. While I enjoyed the rigor and discipline, it was at the expense of living life more fully. At that time, Sas was about to make her pro debut in NYC. Nothing would impede her success on stage--we both made damn sure of that.

But, as time went on, we both became more reclusive toward each other, eventually, on completely different training schedules and diets. I can remember sneaking in yogurt and macadamia nuts in my backpack so she could not see them becasue I knew it was not on her diet. At night, I would take care of emails and perform on webcam, only for her to wake up in the middle of the night, craving Coke Zero and a cigarette. When you diet or are deprived of something, anything, you become that much more keen for it. She swears she could smell my macadamia nuts, but really, she just heard the paper wrapper. It was sheer torture to her. On top of the rigorous diet, the politics, and all the other things that go along with bodybuilding shows, it proved to be an unhealthy lifestyle in the end.

It has been two years since I last saw Sas, and I knew that she had paid a heavy spiritual, emotional, and physical toll, trying to become the best she could be. It pained me to see her go through this. But, it was just something she had to go through, and see for herself, with her own eyes, and experience it.

When I went back to visit her a few weeks ago, ever so briefly, we had a great talk about our lives. We walked the dogs on the beach, and talked for a long time. I was glad to see her, and see that she was happy. She no longer trains as a hardcore bodybuilder, even though she could step back on stage at anytime. She has disassociated herself from all the behaviors and ties with the bodybuilding world. It made my heart happy that she now enjoys her life, and her friends. It was the Sas that I always hoped would emerge from the darkness. And, I was glad to see her smile again.

As I drove around the old neighborhood and my old haunts, it was interesting to note that not much had changed. In Sas's house, I found a lot of my old clothes I forgot about, and my makeup, which was in situ, just how I had left it. The old program from the Opendag with my notes scratched on it was just where I had left it on the vanity where I used to get ready every day. It was odd to observe relics of my past.

We laughed and joked around about our lives and how some things have not changed, while other things have changed significantly. I went back mostly to make sure she was okay, and to close that chapter in my life, to turn the page, shall we say. When I am friends with someone, I make friends for life, and I always care about their well being. Before our visit, she was not ready for me, for her own reasons.

I am glad to know that she accepted my visit, and we are moving forward in our lives, and discovering ourselves in a new way every day.

Reflection

This photo was taken by Bill Dobbins at Red Rock State Park, Las Vegas, Nevada in 2003, just a week after my first bodybuilding show. I entitled this post "Reflection", not only because it is appropriate for the photo, but what we all need to do from time to time in our lives. And not just superficial thinking, but deep reflection.

When I reflect upon my life, I think about it as a journey and the many paths I have taken in my life. Each one, ever so carefully chosen. I used to get anxiety about the direction I am going to move in next, and what I want to do. I think it takes maturity and confidence to move forward in life and have the confidence that whatever direction you choose, you do so with courage and zest. Particularly when it comes to change. As much as most humans are creatures of habit, and do not like major lifestyle changes, it is inevitable. Even if that change has perceived negative outcomes, or even glaringly bleak outcomes, one must overcome and even embrace the change. Initially, change is painful and undesired. However, over time, one can become acclimated to the change. And, in the end, it's not so bad after all. Change is the natural course of life, and, in fact, the only thing that is constant in our lives. We are not the same person we were 10 years ago, yesterday, or even five minutes ago. That is why I find it interesting to look back at old photos, my writing, and even reflect back to old thoughts in my life. Have you ever looked back at a photo of yourself or something you wrote, and thought, "What was I thinking back then?" I also like the nostalgic component to these artifacts. And, to know the journey I have taken from where I was to where I am now, and embrace and even fantasize where I will be.

A year before this photo was taken, I did my first photo shoot with Bill, in the desert of New Mexico near my home. I competed in NABBA Figure at that time, a scaled down version of bodybuilding. As Bill peered through his lens at me, he exclaimed in a nonchalant manner, "Amber, why don't you just compete in bodybuilding?" And that was that, I was sold. I replied, "Sure, why not?" Sage advice from the premier womens' physique photographer and world acclaimed leading authority on womens' bodybuilding does not come easily. As I got to know Bill over the years, I learned that he does not lavish anyone with compliments.

So, this photo is symbolic of my journey into the future. When I look into my eyes back in 2003, I see there is desire, and hunger. I remember how eager I was to make my way in the bodybuilding industry, and make my mark. And, it was not to just become the best competitive bodybuilder on stage. It was more about the evolution of my body, mind, and spirit. And what an amazing journey it has been. While I was never uncomfortable in front of a camera lens, particularly someone of Bill's stature, I do remember feeling somewhat awkward about nudity in front of the lens. As I learned more about my body, posing, movement, and body language, I gained more confidence in my posing style. I now know that often times, when a pose feels really strange, that, oddly enough, it turns out to be magnificent on film. It's all about not having fear of what something is going to look like, and having the confidence to contort myself in seemingly strange ways. This was the journey of self discovery for me, and Bill certainly showed me the way and gave me that inspiration.

This bodily contortion also gave me the inner confidence to know that even if something feels awkward, it can be beautiful, in all areas of my life. So, getting out of that comfort zone is important, and not getting stuck in a rut. While there is merit in repetition, routine, and regimes, as this builds consistency and discipline, we also must know how to make minor changes to these things to enhance them to make our lives better.

Since this photo was taken, I talk to Bill from time to time. We reflect on our lives and the paths we have chosen. And, I always thank him for inspiring me to become what I have always dreamed of, and capturing my essence on film in a way that I only fantasized about.

Crowd Teasers at the Arnold

While at the Arnold Classic, I met Hayley McNeff. I had only seen photos of her online, but she is a stick of dynamite in person! We had fun at the Hyatt Bar, teasing local fans, where I proceeded to school Hayley in the fine art of reverse head scissors and headlocks on grown men. Kristal, aka "Buffbunny" was there to make sure I was properly fueled with tequila with camera in hand. Gene Hwang of www.Genex.com was there to capture the festivities on film until his camera ran out of battery juice. That deserved a serious ass kicking in an of itself, but I let him slide this time.

Hayley, in her early 20's, just began competing in bodybuilding a few years ago. Let's just say she has an extremely bright future in whatever she chooses to do in the physique industry, as she has amazing lines and a beautiful face.

I just decided to post these photos, as teasing the crowd and interacting with them is perhaps one of the most rewarding aspects of being in this industry.

I am back in Albuquerque!

I finally made it home to Albuquerque. Amsterdam was great, got to finally meet Xander and Lethal Veronica and did a bit of videowork. Xander makes it to the USA a few times a year. He has a great eye for vidwork, and I will most certainly be shooting with him again. Then it was off to Den Haag to visit Sas and my old friends at Kneets. I will make a more comprehensive post, but I am on a weird schedule again, recovering from my jet lag and being in five different time zones in the past few days tends to make me just want to sleep like a cat. All day, and whenever I want...LOL! I had a great visit everywhere I went. NYC turned out to be quite busy as well, as I did some video shoots with a couple of great guys. Also, I performed my first overhead lift and carry; something I have been wanting to do for quite some time, but never really practiced it. The liftee was 150 pounds, but once I nailed it, I lifted him several times, and I captured it all on video! So, my mid to lower back is a bit tight, and a little sore, but not in pain. It's an "okay" kind of sore, and not "bad", if you know what I mean. I will post more later, but I am going back to sleep.

Leaving London for Amsterdam

London is one of my favorite cities in the world. It reminds me of NYC, only with older buildings and an entirely different judicial system and culture. Until you really spend a lot of time in London, an American will always feel like an outsider. They have a different language and jargon, euphemisms, and humour, and if you are not keen, you will miss it entirely.

Amsterdam, on the other hand, is much more earthy, and the people are a true melting pot. Perhaps it has to do with people riding around on bikes, public transportation and mini cars that humbles humanity. It is such a beautiful thing that the Dutch could give a fuck less about what kind of transporation they have! I have to get up very early for my fight, and I must ensure I do not get to the airport too late. So, I will post more later when I am well rested.

Cheerio!

Arnold Classic Expo 2010

I made it to the Arnold Classic bodybuilding event this year. The last time I was there was in 2008. I appeared at Quincy Taylor's booth for www.Probodybuilding.com and had a lot of fun. Brandy Mae on left. Isn't she a cutie pie? I will write more later, but I have to catch the Russian Turkish Bath house here in NYC to sweat out the toxins and tequila (and vodka!) that has built up on my body for the past few weeks. I bought a punch pass a year and half ago and I only have one visit used out of seven.

Arnold Classic Weekend

Quincy Taylor at the www.Probodybuilding.com booth and yours truly. I worked the booth for a few hours on Saturday, and had a great time chatting with friends and fans. It has been two years since I attended the Arnold Classic Expo, and it was great to see people I have not seen in a while. Quincy's girlfriend, Brandy, was also at the booth